Today we were in the car discussing the possibility of moving. We drove by a house for sale over in another corner of our neighborhood and you observed it from all angles as I drove by slowly, made a U-turn, drove by again, turned down a side street to check out the backyard. I said What do you think, bud? Should we buy it?
You just looked out the window.
Guess we probably have to talk to daddy. Daddy’s the boss.
Mommy boss? you said.
Nope, daddy’s the boss. Mommy’s the tresurer. Actually, that’s not true. Daddy’s also the treasurer. Rambling, thinking about who deals with mail, and the secretary. Mommy’s the… um. Vice President of Marketing.
And you laughed. Right then, like you had been listening to everything I was saying, the whole time. That made me laugh so hard, so then we were both laughing like a couple of old men telling dumb jokes. Nobody makes me laugh like you do.
I used to go into your room at night and pick you up when you were sleeping. You’d wriggle a bit, nestle back down in my arms, and then I’d rock you for ten minutes or so, just watching your little face do nothing but sleep. I hadn’t done that in a while, you’re so long now you hardly fit in my arms! But I don’t want to miss the chances I have left. So a few nights ago I went in there and sat in the rocker. Daddy scooped you up and set you in my arms and we sat there for a while. It was heaven for me because you’re my baby.
That night I felt sort of helpless at the hands of the enormous love I feel for you, like it’s drowning me and I can’t help it. Sometimes when you’re angry and ornery I have momentary lapses of forgetting, but pretty much any time I see you it feels like a light goes on inside of me. You’re mine! I realized that it took having you, Jack, for me to begin to understand how my heavenly Father loves me. This is something like a shadow of that kind of love. This raw affection. This unquenchable desire to be with you. I’m thankful to have you, to learn a little bit about what that is. Whatever that is.
You’re going to be a big brother this summer, so I’m soaking up these sunny days when it’s just you and me, something I’ll never have with another kid. I know you’re going to be a great brother – kind, teaching, serious, loving, protective. I know it’ll be hard in some ways, but I have all the faith of the world in you.
I’m proud of you Jack, because you’re mine. I love you, and happiest of birthdays to you.